Surrender! A Video Game Memoir

Recently, my brother got the new Star Wars Battlefront game which I've taken a liking to. However, I am far from being good at it. Nevertheless, my endeavors with it have been very amusing.

There's this game mode I've been trying called "Heroes" where you can play as the Rebels: Han, Luke, or Leia, or the Empire: Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, or Boba Fett.

I played as all of them so I could "review" each of their abilities.

Han and Leia aren't that exciting. Typical, right? They don't have any powers in the movies so why would they be any more exciting in the game? Their run is like a duck waddle though, and Han jumps like a ballerina so that's... cool. Boba Fett- also not my favorite. Mainly because he says stupid shit while you attack someone like, "You're out of your league, Princess". Clearly Boba doesn't believe in feminism and is still bitter about his Return of the Jedi fate. ;)

Vader and Palpatine are pretty sweet. Their powers are awesome and accurate. Their verbal taunts not so much. I think Battlefront missed the mark with all the characters on that one. When Vader says, "FEEL the POWER of my LIGHTSABER!" it's.... cringeworthy to say the least.

Luke is by far my favorite. However, I am terrible at playing as him. In my defense, the game doesn't tell you how to play. It just sort of plops you down, gives you a lightsaber, and says, "Good luck! Hope you figure it out! Don't die!" But I managed. I ran around the map using my one chance to "force push/kill" a stormtrooper, only to knock over some boxes while the stormtrooper kept shooting me, completely unharmed, all the while Luke is saying, "I warn you not to underestimate my powers."

Good one, Luke. You know, if we're going to taunt the enemy like that, maybe we should, you know.... ACTUALLY HIT THEM INSTEAD OF THE BOXES!!!!

But it was fine. I pressed on, deciding that maybe standing out in the open so I could actually see who was shooting me would help. Big mistake.

I became surrounded by stromtroopers. As they all shot at me, I panicked and started wildly swinging my lightsaber around, while Luke shouted, "SURRENDER!!". This must be what chaos looks like.

Is this what being a Jedi was about? I was truly channeling Luke Skywalker as I frantically slashed my lightsaber through the air, hitting no one and getting shot by everyone.

Finally, I managed to take cover and noticed that I actually had computer minions that were supposed to follow me around and help me. Umm, hey guys, where the hell were you 5 minutes ago when I was out there GETTING PULVERIZED BY STORMTROOPERS!?!? NO NO. DON'T TOUCH ME! I'm fine.

It was time to end this. As me and my group of minions ran after the stromtroopers, Luke shouted one last taunt, "I am a Jedi, like my father before me!" and then got shot in the face by a blaster. Luke and I are great at timing our taunts perfectly.

Somehow. Somehow, I won that game.

I guess I should thank my minions. They were probably running around collecting points while I stood in the middle of the map spazzing out. I guess I'm not a completely incompetent hero.

Overall, fun game. I may not be good at playing it, but I'm good at trying, and my Kindergarten teacher once told me that trying is all that matters.

Not Everyone Can Be John Williams

The other day, I was sitting in my church listening to the young adult choir belt out a song they had clearly just learned, while the mixed band of bell ringers, brass, woodwinds, drums, piano, electric guitar, and any other instrument that makes noise, feverishly tried to keep up. In their defense, it is a volunteer music group and their director (who is supposed to keep them all together) plays the piano so his hands are not able to wave around in the air directing everyone. As I sat there listening to the "music", I thought about this one day in middle school band class.

Yes, I was in band in middle school. Played the Clarinet... quite mediocrely I might add. But who's bragging?

So our teacher Mrs. Dreager was absent that day. And that's pretty much how chaos started.

Our poor substitute probably knew nothing about directing an entire band of puberty-ridden kids with instruments. Our class-time started with our sub raising his hands thinking, this must be how John Williams does it.

And then wham! Musical abomination happened. The saxophones started playing the Star Wars theme song, while the flutes played what they were supposed to play. The clarinets missed our intro measure so we all just held the instrument in our mouth pretending to play. The brass played loudly, but very off time, a few of the trumpets made that horse whinny sound that's at the end of the Sleigh Ride song, and the percussion just banged on the drums.

When it was all finished, the sub just looked at us and said, "Well, I think that sounds pretty good. Let's try it again."

And that's when we all learned a very important lesson: Not everyone can be John Williams