The Dentist

So guess what I got to do the day before my Birthday!?!? (If you don’t know, you can just look at the title…)

I strongly dislike hate the dentist. And these are 10 reasons why…

1)   They always find something wrong. Like you either have a cavity, or a bad wisdom tooth, or, if they can’t find anything wrong, the default is that you’re not flossing enough. Seriously… who actually flosses every night?

2)   They blow up every little problem into something massive.

Dentist: “You have a cavity that needs to be filled”

You: “Okay. What happens if I don’t fill it?”

Dentist: “Oh, it’s not a big deal if you do. But if you don’t, the tooth might rot away, make you blind, give you brain cancer, and turn you into a massive serial killer… but like I said… no biggie.”

3)   Part way through the exam, they get up and leave to do something else. They tell you they’ll be right back, but it always takes them like an hour, and you’re left just sitting there with drool coming out of your mouth. When I was little, I had to go get a crown put on a tooth, so they put me on some sort of pain med thing. I don’t know what it was, but it made me a little loopy. And then, they left me alone for a little while to check on another patient. Bad idea. I felt like I was alone forever. I started to think that they had forgotten about me (the pain meds making me loopy) so I got up out of the chair and walked into the hallway to try to find a dentist. Of course the dentists that saw me walking away freaked out, so they came running after me and led me back to my little dental chair. They didn’t leave me alone after that.

4)   The X-Rays. You know how they always have to put that little heavy grey bib on you? I don’t really get the point of that. Like I know it’s so you don’t have to expose your body to excess radiation, but your head is still exposed. Soooo, my shoulders won’t get cancer, but my brain will… awesome.

5)   The fluoride. It. Tastes. HORRIBLE. Bubble gum flavor…. Yeah right. More like moldy candy flavor.

6)   You can never brush the right way. Apparently there’s this new way to brush… I don’t even know.

7)   All that natural stuff your body does like the gag reflex, and saliva glands. Those things make the appointment annoying.

8)   That little toothbrush thing they use to clean your teeth. To be honest, I don’t even know if it’s a toothbrush. But it makes this grinding sound when they put it on your teeth and after they’re done, it makes your teeth feel like they have sand on them. I really don’t like the feeling of sand on my teeth.

9)   I don’t understand why dentists always have to ask you questions while they have their hands in your mouth. I don’t think they even know what your answer is. They just ask a question like “Where do you go to school?” and respond by saying something like, “Oh, wow! That’s good!” So I could answer with something like, “My dog died in the fire that burned down my house” and they would still have the same response because they can’t actually understand your answer anyway since their hands are in your mouth.

10) My dentist always tells me I need braces and headgear. Like every time I go in. I’m in college… there is no way I am gonna wear headgear or braces. Plus, she doesn’t even tell me I need braces. She tells my Dad. This is how the conversation goes…

Dentist (talking to me): Bite down. Hmmmmm… okay.  (goes to get my Dad) (talking to my dad) She needs braces and headgear.

Dad: uhhhhhh…. Okay….

Me (in my head): I’m sitting right here… so, I can hear you.

You know what I did after my appointment? I got a 7-11 Slurpee… full of sugary soda. Take that dentist!