My Little Grandpa Phone

I have a question. How many phone years are equivalent to 3 human years? Because the years are definitely not the same. If I had to take a guess, I would say 3 human years equal 70 phone years. Why? Because I’ve had my phone for almost 3 years now and it acts like a 70 year old Little Grandpa. I think that’s what “LG” stands for. Little Grandpa. Not Life’s Good. Well, actually, let me back up. My phone used to be a Life’s Good phone. When I first got my phone it was like a little shiny maroon steroid man screaming “LIFE’S GOOD!”.

Now my phone has seemed to age as fast as lettuce wilts. It looks more like a little grandpa with a white beard and a walker, who smells of old people and screams, “WHAT? I can’t hear you! Speak up, son!”

I’m half expecting my phone to start telling me it’s old stories that all start with the words, “When I was your age….”

What makes me think my phone is so old? Well I’ll tell you. I'll do a comparison of my phone to the younger version of itself. Once upon a time my phone was awesome and young and fast and sleek. Now it's almost three human years old, slow, and scratched. Don’t get me wrong, I still love my Little Grandpa, but I think it’s just funny how I can find easy ways to compare it to a Grandpa. Now where did it all begin…. Oh yes. I remember. About a year ago my Little Grandpa lost his memory. It was a slow and painful process. He would keep turning off out of the middle of nowhere. It got so bad that I had to take him to the doctor (The Verizon store) to get him checked out. It turns out that his memory card had been corrupted so they had to remove it before it would delete all the information in his brain. Sad, I know. Well they had to do surgery on him to remove his memory card. The surgery lasted for a loooong time. I think 10 minutes to be exact, but they finally brought him out with the gut wrenching news that he was no longer a young phone, and that I should think about getting a new one. But I protested. I loved my little grandpa and he was too young to die, so I decided to keep him even though he no longer had any memory of any pictures (one of the side effects of the surgery). Well, that’s where it all began. That’s when my phone turned into a little grandpa.

When my phone was younger, I felt like I could punch it in the face (drop it on the ground) with no harm done. Now, I feel like if I drop little grandpa, he’ll break his hip and have to use a walker, and I don’t want that. I mean, I think he already kinda uses a walker. When my phone was younger, he was really fast. I could type words so fast that I felt like the phone already knew what I wanted to say.

Now, little grandpa is so slow at typing, that I’ll usually finish typing the text before all of the words show up on the screen.

10 minutes later

Little grandpa also doesn’t vibrate much when I have a message…. Or it will just wait like 30 minutes before it tells me I have a message. It’s like this….

…. When I wish it was still like this….

Not only has my phone gotten weaker with the vibrating and alerting me of my messages, but little grandpa is also going blind. With my young phone I could see pictures like this….

But that would be way too hard for little grandpa now. If he wants to view a picture, he has to get out his coke bottle cap reading glasses and squint and even then the picture looks like this….

Not really. My phone just can't zoom anymore. That was the point I was trying to get across.

And if the picture doesn’t look like that, then it’s so dark that there’s really no point trying to look at it anyway. I really don’t understand why it gets so dark. Like the picture will be fine when you take it, but as soon as you save it, it gets like 4 shades blacker.

Little grandpa has hallucinations too. (Another side effect of the surgery). My young phone used to sleep soundly through the night.

Little grandpa has troubles. Every night for about the past year, little grandpa will light up at exactly 10:43 pm claiming that I have “A new multimedia message!” only when I open my phone, there’s nothing there. It’s like my poor little grandpa is waking up in the middle of his peaceful slumber claiming that aliens are about to attack the planet.

Most people would just get a new smartphone, but I’ve decided to stick with little grandpa until he really does die, cause even after all that stuff, I still love my little grandpa:)