Dear Grandma

It's crazy to think that it's been two months since you left us. I like to think that you didn't really leave us, rather you decided it was time to join grandpa. (Who knows what kind of havoc he's causing in heaven.) I try to think of your death in a more positive way to make the pain of losing you a little easier. There's a few scars left that I'm not sure will ever heal, but that's not your concern. It's for us to work through. Grief brings out strange things in people and I guess I never really witnessed the depth of that until you left.

It's taken a little while for your absence to sink in for me. That week you were sick was such a whirlwind. Even though I saw you every day, it wasn't the same as sitting around a table happily sipping coffee and playing cards together. I hope you knew everyone was there for you. We played cards, we talked, we watched tv, and we prayed. It was nice. 

I think to really starting to hit me though. Trips up to visit you were such a unique part of my young adulthood. There were so many times I was just happy to be there in the moment with you. So many things I can't really describe. Remember that lady down the hall? She always knew how to make a moment a little less tense. 

God, there are so many funny little moments. Remember when we brought in that cake, but we forgot utensils. Didn't know the meaning of desperate until I was eating chocolate cake with my hands. And remember that time you told that random family that I was prettier than they're daughter? I appreciate your inappropriate passive compliments. And oh, remember when you told me that the best way to get a boyfriend was to find a guy and trip him? Still have yet to see that work out for me, but sound advice nonetheless. Oh how I wish we had more time to make more memories! And I wish I had more time to thank you for the ones we did get. 

You know grandma, the main reason I'm writing this is because of one memory I wish I could've thanked you for while you were still here. It's funny because it's the oldest memory I have of you, but it's always been my favorite. Remember your teddy bear collection at the beach house? Well I remember one summer  when we were visiting you and grandpa, I spent a whole morning crying because I forgot my orange beanie baby bear at home. You let me pick out one of your bears from your collection to help make me feel better. I chose "Teddy", the big brown bear with a missing nose. You told me that if I hugged him, he'd make me feel better, so I did. And he did. I still have Teddy. He's one of the few stuffed animals that I keep around. I swear you put magic in him because I still hug him to feel better sometimes. Do we ever really lose the kid in us?

He's what inspired me to thank you, even though I guess it's too late to do it in person. I hope you know how much I cherish that memory. So thank you for Teddy, and just.... Thank you! 

I miss you, grandma!

I love you to the stars and back!

Yours truly,

Alison