'Twas The Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the service before Christmas and all through the Church

Not a seat was left open, unless in the front row you did search.

The wreaths were all hung by the alter with care

In hopes to attract a wandering stare.

The men were all dressed in ties and fine suits

While the women wore dresses, sweaters, and boots.

Once everyone was snuggled in the pews nice and tight,

“A blue Honda civic, you’ve left on your lights”.

The mass began with much incense they showered

Perfume was pointless, for now ‘twas overpowered.

The readings were read like they were every year

By the same man with the same jolly cheer.

And then on to the singing, and then praying did come

All the sitting and standing got confusing for some.

It was obvious who was a regular, and who was not

But regardless, the same message was what they all sought.

The homily was short while communion, not so much

But the message of Jesus, my heart it did touch

And then… Wait… incense again? I wondered why

It was already in my throat and all in my eyes

Then my favorite part, the song 'Oh, Holy Night'

The blonde opera singer always sings it just right

She sounds like an angel when she sings during mass

And I’m pretty sure she could go high enough to break glass.

Mass came to an end and home people did go

Kids excited for Santa; their faces aglow.

Now I too will go to bed, for this poem I must leave

I can’t blog all night because it’s Christmas Eve!

One more thing I will share with you, if I might...
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Four Types of Final-ers

1) People who are way too excited about taking their finals. These people have lots of confidence and usually aren't afraid to make that known.

2) People who are the good kind of confident about their finals. They will not rub it in your face, but they will punch their final in the face. These people are awesome and I wish I had the confidence they do.

3) The average student who will work hard to study and their hard work will probably pay off. The downside is that they'll most likely be stressed the entire week causing them to lose years off their life in the long run.

4) The people who spend more time stressing about all their finals than actually studying for them... or the people who have no idea what they learned after a semester's worth of work.

Cheers to a stressful week of finals!

Dear Dentist

I felt great as I walked into your office today. Even after you glared at me and asked in an unusually curt and bitchy voice, "Do you have an appointment?" I was still smiling. Wanna know why? It's because today was my last day having you as a dentist. That's right, our insurance changed, which means we're switching dentists faster than the radio stations around here jump at the chance to start playing Christmas music. It's not that my family is tired of you guys calling us the day of an appointment and asking to postpone it 6 months. Or that we dislike it when we call to confirm an appointment we've had booked for 4 months only to find out you didn't write it down and we have to reschedule. Don't get me wrong. We love that. It's quality customer care. You see, the reason I'm saying goodbye to you is because I will miss all the wonderful things you've done for me.

Remember that time I came in complaining that I had a severe pain in one of my teeth so you looked at it and told me it was only a small cavity and nothing was wrong. "Don't worry!" you say "It's not something you need to fix right now. We'll deal with it later". But that pain didn't go away, so at my next appointment I brought it up again. This time you decided to fill it even though it was small. But as you worked you realized that the cavity was way bigger than you expected and that it almost required a root canal. Then I remember you scolded me telling me that I should've told you about this earlier. I really appreciated that.

And then remember that time it took you 20 minutes to give me a cleaning and fill a cavity because you were busy and had 3 other patients? And then at the next appointment it took you 50 minutes to just give me a cleaning because you had one other patient? It still boggles my mind how you manage your time so well. It must be a magic trick or something.

I also love how every time I go in for a cleaning, you scold me and tell me that I have very inflamed gums as you poke that them with your little metal stick. When I floss, my gums don't become inflamed and they don't bleed. I must be flossing wrong though because I don't use a metal stick to floss. Silly me. I also love how my mouth will be sore for the next 12 hours after that. You must be doing something right. Pain is your game.

So to answer your question earlier, no, I didn't have an appointment. I just like walking into your office on a random day and surrounding myself with all the positive energy your office is filled with. This was my last appointment with you guys, and I have to admit, I'm not the least bit saddened. Frankly, I pretty much hate you guys. See you never.

Alison

Ant Farm

Do you ever zone out in class? Like really zone out? Hard core? I do all the time (it's actually really bad), and sometimes when I zone out, old memories pop up. One of those "zone out memory pop up" times inspired this blog post. We were talking about ants in animal behavior class. I don't remember what specifically about the ants we were talking about, but my professor showed us this picture of an animated anthill cut in half so you could see the inner working of the hill. That image spurred a memory of a time when my parents and I tried to make one of those little ant farms.... and failed miserably.

It all started with two ideas. 1) I wanted one of those ant farms because I thought it would be cool to have "pet" ants that I envisioned I could play with like puppies and 2) My dad was doing yard work, found a huge anthill under the deck post we were removing, and wanted to exterminate it. This is the absolute perfect mindset combination for starting an ant farm. We ran into many problems while trying to start this ant farm and these ideas were just problem 1.

Problem 2 was that we didn't read the directions about how to start the ant farm. That was a crucial piece to the puzzle that my mom, dad, and I just picked up and threw out. We made up our own plan of action, and it started with my dad taking a shovel straight to the anthill and digging. Bad plan. The ants went crazy. They were crawling everywhere. It was pure chaos for the ants, and admittedly for us too.

Problem 3 was that we didn't know how to collect the ants or where to put them, and they were scrambling away from their destroyed home. My mom found a huge bucket that we started scooping the ants into, but then we realized that the ants were just crawling up the sides of the bucket and getting out. My mom then had the idea to put Vaseline on the rim of the bucket because it was supposed to prevent them from crawling out. This made everything worse. The ants were so frantic and desperate to escape that they were starting to trudge through the Vaseline. One by one, they would get stuck in it and slowly die from drowning in the thick Vaseline. It was like they would rather die via Vaseline asphyxiation than live in an ant farm.

For an 11 year old, this ant suicide was horrifying. I immediately regretted this ant farm. I changed my mind. I didn't want the ant farm anymore, but my parents were determined and my dad was getting rid of the anthill no matter what. Also, when my mom sets her mind on a project, she become very determined to see it through. It's a good trait to have generally.... except for when you're making your daughter an ant farm and killing all the ants in the process.

God knows how we managed to salvage ants after the mass ant suicide through Vaseline-bucket-rim, but we did. We had enough ants to start a farm according to our self made directions. It didn't matter that some ants were missing legs, other had partially crushed thoraxes, and some were so covered in Vaseline that the sand was sticking to them and they would probably die from suffocation eventually.

After all this, I thought the terror was over and I could finally enjoy my anthill, but then we realized we needed the queen. According to the internet, without the queen there will be no offspring, and the current ants would just roam endlessly with no purpose in life and the farm will eventually die.

Now I wish I could continue my story with another sub-story about how my parents and I dug through the remnants to find the queen, but alas we did not. We never found her. In all honesty, she probably died in the destruction of the hill, and needless to say, my ant farm did not make it. Actually, it barely made it a few hours. All of the ants were so badly mutilated from our failed attempt to capture them, that they all died within a few hours.

I feel kind of bad for hurting all those ants, but I was young and didn't know better.... and probably should have held onto the directions, or just mail ordered the ants. But, my family never tried to start an ant farm again, and I always wonder why....

The Five Stages of Grieving When You're a Redskins Fan

This Sunday, I suffered a loss. Not directly, but it still hurt my heart. The Redskins lost to possibly one of the worst teams in the NFL-- The Detroit Lions. After this game, I went through the 5 stages of grieving every Skins fan goes through when we lose a game.

#1 Denial
We are not that bad of a team! We've got RG3, and Alfred Morris- two of the best Rookies last year. They are gonna kill it this year! And Santana Moss and Pierre Garçon are beast receivers. Not to mention other strong players like Fred Davis, Brian Orakapo, Ryan Kerrigan, London Fletcher, and DeAngelo Hall. We don't have a single weak player on the team. RG Knee my ass. We're totally fine. We're definitely still strong contenders in the Super Bowl this year.

#2 Anger
C'mon Skins! Get your act together and start playing like a real football team!!!! This is REAL LIFE! Who's calling these plays anyway?!? I bet someone is paying the Refs to make bad calls against the Redskins! I hate everything that's negative towards the Redskins! You're either with us, or you're against us...

#3 Bargaining
If only we could get 3 touchdowns, and a field goal to win in the next 2 minutes. Just. Get. 3. Touchdowns. Please! We just need a few more points. We're only down by 24. If only we had more time to make a comeback.

#4 Depression
Wow. I can't believe we lost to the Detroit Lions. The Lions for goodness sake. It hurts! I'm going to go curl up in a ball in the corner of my room now and rock back and forth while weeping about this situation. Please don't try to converse with me, or I will eat you.

#5 Acceptance
There is no such thing as acceptance when you're a true Skins fan. Repeat #1.

HTTR!

Waitressing 101

Well my job as a waitress has officially come to an end this summer, and it ended with a splash. Quite literally though. Like, I was thrown in a fountain on my last day. It was a fun job though and I will definitely miss some of the people! Looking back, I learned quite a few things about the restaurant business and just people in general. If you ever plan to be a waitress, be warned!

1) My tasks are like Sims. I have a mental list of stuff that I need to get done and a specific order. If something unexpected comes up, I usually forget what I was supposed to be doing before because, like Sims, all the other tasks were deleted. It's just like when the phone rings in Sims. You have to cancel everything you were doing before in order to answer the call just in case it's that mysterious person who gives you 100,000 Sim dollars

2) All of your tables will either want nothing or something at the same time. They'll all say they're fine right now and don't need anything, but the minute you go back to check on one, they'll all need something. "Can I get more water?" "Check please!" "Can I have some Tabasco sauce?" "Do you take Visa?"

3) Sometimes you have to get creative about how to weave through the busy bar in order to get your drinks

4) People pretend they know a lot about wine when they taste it, but most of them really don't. They know they're supposed to sniff it at some point, but they don't even know why. They just don't want to look stupid in front of you

5) Drunk people at the bar will either think A) "So... are you single?" is a good pick-up line or B) Fully and stubbornly believe that you are someone they met "that one time" and refuse to believe your name is anything other than "Emily". Just go with it, and have fun playing along. See how far you can get with the craziness of the story. "Yeah! I remember that! And then you ran around naked, punched that cop and drove his car into that pool! You don't remember that? Hahaha that's probably because you were so drunk, man!" If the guy's more sober friends like you, they'll play along with you and keep feeding the story

6) If nobody saw you spill it, it never happened

7) People don't understand the concept of "move" and it gets frustrating when you are in a hurry. You will get stuck behind some slow person who decides they want to stop in the middle of the path and just observe the flowers. It makes me want to scream every time

8) People will legitimately fight over who gets to cover the bill. Just take the first card that's handed to you and walk away quickly. Ignore the lady that almost cries because she wanted to pay

9) Sometimes, surprisingly, people forget what they order

10) When people ask you to recommend something to them on the menu, men will usually order what you recommend. Women on the other hand will ask if you prefer item A or B. 99% of the time they already have their mind made up and just want you to hopefully justify their choice. The other 1% of the time, they just want to pick the opposite of what you say. Psh.... Women....

11) You develop a sixth sense for when there is clean silverware that needs rolling. It's like you can smell it and are naturally drawn to it even though you don't want to be

12) Sometimes people give you bad tips for no reason (most likely because they don't understand the world of food service. Either that or they can't do math very well). Sometimes people give you awesome tips for something as small as being a fan of the Redskins

13) Sometimes you will get a vegan that comes into your Italian restaurant wanting to eat something other than a salad. They will never understand that all of the entrees have meat, all of the appetizers are cooked with milk or eggs, all of the pizzas and pastas have egg in them and usually a meat or cream sauce, and so that only leaves the salads. It is an "Italian" restaurant after-all....

14) .... And sometimes you will get a family coming into your Italian restaurant wanting burgers, hot dogs, and fries. They will be more out of place than a family going into an Italian restaurant wanting burgers, hot dogs, and fries

15) If the restaurant Clyde's across the street does it, we do it. If we do it, Cylde's does it. If they set up they're patio, we set up our patio. If we take down our patio, they take down their patio. If they lose power, we laugh at them and put up a huge sign that says, "Come in! We have power, food, and AC! Suck it Clyde's!"

16) People will always make the same cheesy jokes about the food

17) Some people are so rich that they can blow a 300 dollar tab and not even look at the bill. Get over it. They're rich. And they probably always will be

18) When a guy looks you in the eyes and says, "Do you have Buttery Nipples?" don't be offended. He's asking for a speciality drink

19) And going along with that, there are many strange and sexually named drinks. Yes, 'Sex on the Beach' is "easy" and 'Naked Girl Scout' is tasty

20) Restaurant drama is the best

Never Turn Your Back To The Ocean

When I was little, I spent 90% of my beach time in the water. When I was in elementary school and middle school I used to write most of my short stories about something that happened to me while I was on a beach vacation. I thought I was a budding Virginia Woolf when I used phrases like, "The cool blue ocean's waves lapped at the curved side of the bright green inner-tube", but really I was just a grade schooler overusing adjectives and the synonym button in Microsoft Word.

There is a foggy memory that comes to mind as I think about these stories I wrote about going to the beach as a youngin'. We went down to the Outer Banks with my Uncle Ken's family. He and my Dad took my cousins (Tim and Melissa), brother (Matt), and I in an inner-tube out to the "deep part". I remember being terrified because I knew I wouldn't be able to touch the bottom should I fall off the tube. What my cousins and brother probably remember to be a fun time bobbing over the waves, I remember as a terrifying journey out to where you could no longer see the shore, and to where the waves crashed against the tube on all sides. It had begun to storm just as we were trying to get back into shore. My Uncle and Dad fought the strong current but were growing tired. Suddenly, my cousin Tim was pulled under. My Uncle Ken dove in after what appeared to be a shark fin, but he and my cousin never resurfaced. As I looked around for my Dad, the sinking realization that he had also drowned in the deep water hit me. Then, out of no where, a huge wave smacked the side of the tube, knocking Matt and Melissa off the tube and into the dark watery abyss below. My cousin and brother were lost to Davy Jones' locker. I was the only one left clinging to the tube for dear life until, hours later, I washed up on shore miles away from our beach site, sobbing and out of breath. I knew the proceeding weeks I would spend trying to survive the wilderness while searching for the rest of my family and coping with the loss of the others.

Seeing that my Dad, Uncle, brother, and cousins are all still alive, none of this probably happened. Like I said, my memory of the actual part where we took an inner-tube out to sea is very foggy. Like, the whole thing was probably just a dream. Yeah. Definitely a dream. But to make my point from before, that is how I wrote my short stories in 7th grade english class.

The OBX trip I just returned from was actually very peaceful and much needed. I think as you get older, the point of vacation is just to relax. When you're young, vacation is more of cram-as-much-fun-as-you-can-into-the-short-amount-of-time-that-you're-out-of-that-jail-they-call-school. But this vacation was nice. I got to see my Uncle Tom's family on the last few days we were there and that was nice because we usually only see them once or twice a year since they live in Michigan. We spent the last beach day together out bobbing the waves. My cousin, Sam, brought his beer can out with him, but just has he came out, a big wave was about to cap on us. We all looked at Sam and his open beer can and felt sorry that it was about to be filled with salt water, then dove under the wave. When we resurfaced Sam had told us, "No worries! I put my hand over top of it and went under. Whatever works, you know?" So typical of someone in my engineer-wired-brain dominated family. I love hanging out with them.

The rest of the week was filled with eating delicious crabs, paddle boarding, sun tanning (although I think I may have actually just gotten whiter- if that's possible), puzzling, snow cones, and other family fun. It was definitely much needed.

My title is something one of my Uncles once told me. It's one of my earliest memories about going to the beach so I must've been pretty young. I was digging for sand fleas and mussels in the sand in that wet area the waves reach after they crash on shore. My Uncle chuckled and told me "Don't you know never to turn your back to the ocean?" I scoffed and ignored him and continued to dig. That only lasted for 5 minutes because sure enough a larger than average wave broke a little too close to where I was digging and knocked me right off my feet. I tumbled around in the surf and washed up on shore with sand everywhere on my body.... you would be surprised all the places sand can reach. I cried and ran to mommy. I never saw that wave coming because I turned my back to the ocean.

I don't really have a good way to end this post because my mind is still in vacation mode. I'm surprised I was even able to sit down and blog. I guess I'll leave you with this: Never turn your back to the ocean.