Sexiest Men

February. I automatically associate February with Valentine's Day.... so naturally, I decided to make a "Sexiest Men" post.
*Also... Blogger did not notify me that I had forgotten to add an "e" in the title of Sexiest Men so it would have been Sexist Men... totally different meanings.... Thanks for not catching that Blogger.*

Adam Levine- I named him "sexiest man" before People Magazine did. Just ask my old roommate, Caryn, or anyone else who has been around me every time a Maroon 5 song comes on. That. Voice. I was thinking the other day that if I were to go on the show "The Voice" I would have a hard time choosing between Adam Levine and Usher (Assuming that I'd be picked by both of them because my voice is just that good). On the one hand, I am very attracted to Adam, and not that I've watched the show, but I'm pretty sure he's already won a season. But on the other hand, Usher did create an 18 year old, world famous, many mistake making, pop music singing, egg throwing, successful, dancing douche bag named Justin Bieber.... and that is quite a resume. Sorry about that rant but that's what happens when I start talking about Adam Levine.

George Clooney- You silver fox you. He's living proof that you can become more attractive as you age.

Banksy- (Borrowed from Salon.com) Looks are overrated. Not that Bansky is a bad-looking guy. It’s just that we don’t know – or particularly care. This fall, the British graffiti artist/full-time provocateur took his act to New York City and rapidly became the biggest thing to hit the town since the cronut ... In short, he had fun. He reminded the art world that making things is supposed to be joyful and subversive and weird, and he let the whole great unwashed denizens of the city in on the joke. We wouldn’t know you if we passed you on the street, Banksy, but you’re a good time. And that is very, very sexy.

Justin Timberlake- Admit it, you never thought the bleached permed hair guy from N'sync was going to go anywhere after the boy band. Look who's laughing now! Sing to me JT!

Zac Efron- Definitely didn't expect him to ever make my list, but that permanently changed when I literally bumped into his tan, muscular.... strong.... tan.... amazing.... hot.... strong arms. He's 10 times sexier in person. When I bumped him, he apologized to me. I took it as a marriage proposal. We're engaged now.

Shemar Moore- To everyone who says nothing is impossible.... try to find an unattractive picture of Shemar and then get back to me. This man has it all. And he's 40+ years old. Hot. Damn.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt- I don't know why I love JGL so much. Maybe it's how adorable he is in 500 Days of Summer. Or maybe it's his mysterious sexiness in Inception. Or maybe it's his scary, poorly done eyebrows that weirdly resemble Bruce Willis in Looper. Who cares. He's on my list. Remember when JGL went through that ugly phase? Neither do I.










Anyone famous with a british accent

And I thought I'd add.... Definitely NOT Juan Pablo- the current Bachelor on ABC. I'm so sick of people saying how sexy he is. I think he resembles a (very fit) potato. He is fake and not very sexy. Let the all the crazy women fight over him. I'll remain unimpressed by ABC's choice of Bachelor. #StillTeamZak

So that about sums it up. My list of dream men that will never be my Valentine. I'm gonna go eat some chocolate now.... and cry.

Shredding The Gnar (from a beginner's perspective)

"I don't always shred the gnar, but when I do, it's usually the gnar that shreds me." -Me

This morning I woke up so sore that I literally had to flop out of bed and I was reminded of what I did to my body yesterday out of free will. Snowboarding. My neck is sore sore that I have trouble holding my head up. I had to pathetically crawl into my bed last night and flop around trying to get comfortable because I was too sore to control normal muscle movements. There are only a few times I say I'm so sore that my cells hurt and snowboarding is one of them. It's like, "Man, I think I bruised my nucleus on that last fall." The only bruises you should have after snowboarding are on your knees, tailbone, and elbows. I, however, have bruises on my knees, tailbone, back of my head, hips, shoulder blades, and calfs (which I don't really understand how I made that happen). They teach you to fall on your elbows and forearms instead of your wrists, but you know what? I don't have time to think about the proper way to tumble down the slope when my board decides to go left and my body says right. One thing I know is that the only other time the bruises on my knees have been this bad was when I slipped on a squished grape in the grocery store while trying to buy wine, and I was glared at like I was an incompetent baby giraffe. (When I picture myself falling, I picture a baby giraffe learning how to walk on its stilt legs because being tall, I also have stilt legs that account for 80% of my height. It's fitting really)

So anyway, I like to snowboard, if that's what you call what I do. And I must admit, after actually taking a class that sort of taught me how to properly snowboard, I can actually say I'm an expert (at the beginner level)

Snowboarding school is supposed to teach you how to board perfectly and then send you on your way to conquer black diamonds, but really it teaches you some tricks and then sends you out on your own to be left hoping that everyone else signed their safety waiver. Or, if you were like the mom in our class, you end up getting to the top of the hill only to slide on your butt, out of control, to the bottom while the instructor looks helplessly on, debating if it's worth chasing after a lost cause or if she should stay with the rest of the freak show she calls her class. She chose us. We all watched the mom clatter to the bottom managing to take out a few snow-making machines on the way. Let's just say her lesson was cut short.

I guess I can't really talk though because Cecylia and I's first snowboarding experience was more than horrendous.

Last year was the first time we snowboarded and we decided to teach ourselves. Bad idea. For some reason, we believed we could manage any movement while having the board strapped to both our feet verses having one free to steer the board. This didn't work because the first time I stood up from the sitting position with the board, I tipped completely over and basically did a face-plant and slid partway down the bunny hill on my stomach. Also, we didn't really practice riding the board before we decided to get on the ski lift, which you are definitely supposed to do. Definitely.

Being older, the lift operator automatically assumes you are skilled enough to ride the lift with a 9 year old snowboarder in training. There are a couple of things wrong with this assumption. First, I am not skilled enough to get off the lift with a tiny person next to me... I will probably plow them over. Second, the 9 year old was teaching me how to sit on the lift properly... there's something wrong with that. And third, did I mention that this is my first time ever on a snowboard. Did you not just see me crawl on my hands and knees through the lift line? Really, the only thing good about having a ski schooler with you is that you can tell the lift operator at the end to slow down the lift for the little kid so they can get off easier (when really it's you who needs them to slow down the lift). Let me tell you, getting off the lift is the most adrenaline-charged exhilarating moment when snowboarding... and in the most unhealthy-for-your-heart-and-health way possible. It's about 3-5 seconds of sheer terror because you are at the mercy of the board.

It didn't matter how slow the lift chair was moving though, I ran into the red fence poles at the end of the lift and wiped out anyways. To make matters worse, we wore these bright pink fluffy hats which would have been cool if we were good. Instead it just drew the wandering eye's attention to just how bad we were. Sometimes that wandering eye was the first-aid ski patrol.

I could bore you with stories about how bad I probably looked going down the slopes, half the time wiping out and the other half praying I didn't wipe out, but I don't want to relive painful, painful memories. This year was much better though. I actually managed to do multiple S-curves down the green level hills. It's a start, okay? This year, I only spent 30% of the time falling, 50% hoping I didn't fall, and 20% actually "shredding the gnar".

But someday I will be Shaun White. Someday I will spend 100% of the time shredding the gnar. Someday

'Twas The Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the service before Christmas and all through the Church

Not a seat was left open, unless in the front row you did search.

The wreaths were all hung by the alter with care

In hopes to attract a wandering stare.

The men were all dressed in ties and fine suits

While the women wore dresses, sweaters, and boots.

Once everyone was snuggled in the pews nice and tight,

“A blue Honda civic, you’ve left on your lights”.

The mass began with much incense they showered

Perfume was pointless, for now ‘twas overpowered.

The readings were read like they were every year

By the same man with the same jolly cheer.

And then on to the singing, and then praying did come

All the sitting and standing got confusing for some.

It was obvious who was a regular, and who was not

But regardless, the same message was what they all sought.

The homily was short while communion, not so much

But the message of Jesus, my heart it did touch

And then… Wait… incense again? I wondered why

It was already in my throat and all in my eyes

Then my favorite part, the song 'Oh, Holy Night'

The blonde opera singer always sings it just right

She sounds like an angel when she sings during mass

And I’m pretty sure she could go high enough to break glass.

Mass came to an end and home people did go

Kids excited for Santa; their faces aglow.

Now I too will go to bed, for this poem I must leave

I can’t blog all night because it’s Christmas Eve!

One more thing I will share with you, if I might...
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Four Types of Final-ers

1) People who are way too excited about taking their finals. These people have lots of confidence and usually aren't afraid to make that known.

2) People who are the good kind of confident about their finals. They will not rub it in your face, but they will punch their final in the face. These people are awesome and I wish I had the confidence they do.

3) The average student who will work hard to study and their hard work will probably pay off. The downside is that they'll most likely be stressed the entire week causing them to lose years off their life in the long run.

4) The people who spend more time stressing about all their finals than actually studying for them... or the people who have no idea what they learned after a semester's worth of work.

Cheers to a stressful week of finals!

Dear Dentist

I felt great as I walked into your office today. Even after you glared at me and asked in an unusually curt and bitchy voice, "Do you have an appointment?" I was still smiling. Wanna know why? It's because today was my last day having you as a dentist. That's right, our insurance changed, which means we're switching dentists faster than the radio stations around here jump at the chance to start playing Christmas music. It's not that my family is tired of you guys calling us the day of an appointment and asking to postpone it 6 months. Or that we dislike it when we call to confirm an appointment we've had booked for 4 months only to find out you didn't write it down and we have to reschedule. Don't get me wrong. We love that. It's quality customer care. You see, the reason I'm saying goodbye to you is because I will miss all the wonderful things you've done for me.

Remember that time I came in complaining that I had a severe pain in one of my teeth so you looked at it and told me it was only a small cavity and nothing was wrong. "Don't worry!" you say "It's not something you need to fix right now. We'll deal with it later". But that pain didn't go away, so at my next appointment I brought it up again. This time you decided to fill it even though it was small. But as you worked you realized that the cavity was way bigger than you expected and that it almost required a root canal. Then I remember you scolded me telling me that I should've told you about this earlier. I really appreciated that.

And then remember that time it took you 20 minutes to give me a cleaning and fill a cavity because you were busy and had 3 other patients? And then at the next appointment it took you 50 minutes to just give me a cleaning because you had one other patient? It still boggles my mind how you manage your time so well. It must be a magic trick or something.

I also love how every time I go in for a cleaning, you scold me and tell me that I have very inflamed gums as you poke that them with your little metal stick. When I floss, my gums don't become inflamed and they don't bleed. I must be flossing wrong though because I don't use a metal stick to floss. Silly me. I also love how my mouth will be sore for the next 12 hours after that. You must be doing something right. Pain is your game.

So to answer your question earlier, no, I didn't have an appointment. I just like walking into your office on a random day and surrounding myself with all the positive energy your office is filled with. This was my last appointment with you guys, and I have to admit, I'm not the least bit saddened. Frankly, I pretty much hate you guys. See you never.

Alison

Ant Farm

Do you ever zone out in class? Like really zone out? Hard core? I do all the time (it's actually really bad), and sometimes when I zone out, old memories pop up. One of those "zone out memory pop up" times inspired this blog post. We were talking about ants in animal behavior class. I don't remember what specifically about the ants we were talking about, but my professor showed us this picture of an animated anthill cut in half so you could see the inner working of the hill. That image spurred a memory of a time when my parents and I tried to make one of those little ant farms.... and failed miserably.

It all started with two ideas. 1) I wanted one of those ant farms because I thought it would be cool to have "pet" ants that I envisioned I could play with like puppies and 2) My dad was doing yard work, found a huge anthill under the deck post we were removing, and wanted to exterminate it. This is the absolute perfect mindset combination for starting an ant farm. We ran into many problems while trying to start this ant farm and these ideas were just problem 1.

Problem 2 was that we didn't read the directions about how to start the ant farm. That was a crucial piece to the puzzle that my mom, dad, and I just picked up and threw out. We made up our own plan of action, and it started with my dad taking a shovel straight to the anthill and digging. Bad plan. The ants went crazy. They were crawling everywhere. It was pure chaos for the ants, and admittedly for us too.

Problem 3 was that we didn't know how to collect the ants or where to put them, and they were scrambling away from their destroyed home. My mom found a huge bucket that we started scooping the ants into, but then we realized that the ants were just crawling up the sides of the bucket and getting out. My mom then had the idea to put Vaseline on the rim of the bucket because it was supposed to prevent them from crawling out. This made everything worse. The ants were so frantic and desperate to escape that they were starting to trudge through the Vaseline. One by one, they would get stuck in it and slowly die from drowning in the thick Vaseline. It was like they would rather die via Vaseline asphyxiation than live in an ant farm.

For an 11 year old, this ant suicide was horrifying. I immediately regretted this ant farm. I changed my mind. I didn't want the ant farm anymore, but my parents were determined and my dad was getting rid of the anthill no matter what. Also, when my mom sets her mind on a project, she become very determined to see it through. It's a good trait to have generally.... except for when you're making your daughter an ant farm and killing all the ants in the process.

God knows how we managed to salvage ants after the mass ant suicide through Vaseline-bucket-rim, but we did. We had enough ants to start a farm according to our self made directions. It didn't matter that some ants were missing legs, other had partially crushed thoraxes, and some were so covered in Vaseline that the sand was sticking to them and they would probably die from suffocation eventually.

After all this, I thought the terror was over and I could finally enjoy my anthill, but then we realized we needed the queen. According to the internet, without the queen there will be no offspring, and the current ants would just roam endlessly with no purpose in life and the farm will eventually die.

Now I wish I could continue my story with another sub-story about how my parents and I dug through the remnants to find the queen, but alas we did not. We never found her. In all honesty, she probably died in the destruction of the hill, and needless to say, my ant farm did not make it. Actually, it barely made it a few hours. All of the ants were so badly mutilated from our failed attempt to capture them, that they all died within a few hours.

I feel kind of bad for hurting all those ants, but I was young and didn't know better.... and probably should have held onto the directions, or just mail ordered the ants. But, my family never tried to start an ant farm again, and I always wonder why....

The Five Stages of Grieving When You're a Redskins Fan

This Sunday, I suffered a loss. Not directly, but it still hurt my heart. The Redskins lost to possibly one of the worst teams in the NFL-- The Detroit Lions. After this game, I went through the 5 stages of grieving every Skins fan goes through when we lose a game.

#1 Denial
We are not that bad of a team! We've got RG3, and Alfred Morris- two of the best Rookies last year. They are gonna kill it this year! And Santana Moss and Pierre Garçon are beast receivers. Not to mention other strong players like Fred Davis, Brian Orakapo, Ryan Kerrigan, London Fletcher, and DeAngelo Hall. We don't have a single weak player on the team. RG Knee my ass. We're totally fine. We're definitely still strong contenders in the Super Bowl this year.

#2 Anger
C'mon Skins! Get your act together and start playing like a real football team!!!! This is REAL LIFE! Who's calling these plays anyway?!? I bet someone is paying the Refs to make bad calls against the Redskins! I hate everything that's negative towards the Redskins! You're either with us, or you're against us...

#3 Bargaining
If only we could get 3 touchdowns, and a field goal to win in the next 2 minutes. Just. Get. 3. Touchdowns. Please! We just need a few more points. We're only down by 24. If only we had more time to make a comeback.

#4 Depression
Wow. I can't believe we lost to the Detroit Lions. The Lions for goodness sake. It hurts! I'm going to go curl up in a ball in the corner of my room now and rock back and forth while weeping about this situation. Please don't try to converse with me, or I will eat you.

#5 Acceptance
There is no such thing as acceptance when you're a true Skins fan. Repeat #1.

HTTR!