My Review of HGTV Shows

I have a problem. While I'm doing work and need background noise, you can be sure that I'll have HGTV on. You can sometimes tell that I've recently watched an HGTV show when your Pinterest fills up with "dream home" pins from me. You're welcome. But hey, on the plus side I've become a great HGTV critic. Don't get me wrong, I love a good HGTV show, but there are a lot of things that really bug me about them.

Flip or Flop
I've only seen a little bit of this show, but in the 3 episodes I've watched the guy always seems to think that, "If we can't flip this house and stay within our budget, it could cause us to lose too much money and our house flipping business will be doomed!!!!" First of all, you have this TV show and this episode is airing so clearly your business isn't doomed and you're doing just fine because, if you remember, YOU HAVE A SHOW ON HGTV!!! You can pay for these houses in all cash, so you're clearly financially fine. Also, house flipping is not as dramatic as your voice tone would suggest. It's not a life threatening disease... It's just a little mold. Chill dude.

Property Brothers
This is my favorite HGTV show because the brothers are genuinely funny, very attractive, and surprisingly good with kids. Don't ask me how I know that last part. But, every good show has a few problems. In this one, they make it seem so easy. It's like you can have this amazing personalized home for super cheap (in the home buying world of money, that is). Also, these people get theses fixer-uper homes and transform the master suite and living areas, which is great and all, but what about the rest of the originally disgusting home? Yeah, your kitchen and living room look like a million dollars, but don't your other bedrooms still have that God awful wall paper and stained carpet?

Love It Or List It
This is by far the most annoying HGTV show in the history of HGTV shows! The show is so scripted! I swear the hosts, Hilary and David, are Stacy and Clinton's annoying younger siblings. (Stacy and Clinton are from TLC's "What Not To Wear"). Like, couldn't they at least pretend to try to make up their own puns and taunts instead of talking to me like I have the education of a 12 year old? Plus, Hilary and David are always fighting. I know they think it's funny, but I'm not an idiot. And you're not a stand-up comedian. So please spare us all the fake bickering. If I wanted to watch bickering, I'd find old home videos of me and my brothers. P.S. Hilary can never stay on budget. You'd think she'd learn from the 50 times she's failed and tell the couple upfront there might be a few unforeseen plumbing/electrical problems, but no. Instead, she waits until they're in the middle of a huge project to tell the couple and then acts surprised when they get pissed off they have to give her another $2,000.

House Hunters
I swear to God.... 30% of this show is the couple actually looking for new houses and seeing all the different options they can get. The other 70% is that female narrator recapping what you just watched before the commercial break. "Amanda wants a move in ready home with double sinks in the master bathroom, but Jonathan wants a few projects around the house and is more concerned with storage space and budget. The couple wasn't interested in the first house because it was over budget and had little curb appeal. Realtor Jenny thinks this next house might give Jonathan the storage space he wants, and satisfy Amanda's need for the perfect bathroom..." And so on...

Property Virgins
I don't usually watch this show because it's probably the most boring. The couples on this show have no idea how much their money will realistically get them, and they focus on the wrong things. Who cares if the master bedroom doesn't have crown moldings. You should probably care more about the number of bedrooms, the cat pee stained carpet, and the old people smell that's been absorbed by the walls for the past 50 years. But I'm not an expert.